When Winning Isn't Everything: A Referee's Eye-Opening Story About Sportsmanship

Let me tell you about a high school basketball game that changed the way I thought about youth sports forever.

A Game I'll Never Forget

As a certified high school basketball referee, I've seen my share of intense games, controversial calls, and passionate coaches. But nothing prepared me for what I witnessed early in my officiating career—a game that still makes me shake my head years later.

This was before North Carolina implemented the mercy rule. The scoreboard read 108 to 8. Yes, you read that right. In a JV basketball game.

But the score wasn't even the worst part.

The winning coach kept a full-court press going the entire game. Every possession. Every defensive stand. The opposing team could barely get the ball past half-court. Their body language said it all—slumped shoulders, defeated expressions, players on the bench looking at each other like, "This is ridiculous."

Then came the moment that made me question everything.

The losing team finally scored 2 points. Just 2 points. And you know what happened? The coach called a timeout and absolutely lit into his own team for allowing those 2 points.

Think about that message for a second. What are you teaching your players when you're up by 100 points and you're angry they gave up a basket?

It Got Worse

By the second half—with no mercy rule and no running clock back then—the score climbed into the 80s while the opposing team had just 3 points on the board. The full-court press was still on. The intensity hadn't let up one bit.

I stood there as a referee, embarrassed for both teams. The players knew it was wrong. The parents in the stands knew it was wrong. Everyone in that gymnasium felt the discomfort of watching something that had stopped being about basketball and started being about ego.

I remember telling myself right then and there: My children will never play for a coach like this.

Why This Matters to Your Family

Pivoted narrative toward actionable guidance and coach vetting frameworks.

Good, I'm telling the story well. Now I need to transition to the practical advice and connect it to the broader message about researching coaches and programs.

That game was one of the catalysts for North Carolina implementing a mercy rule—35 points or more triggers a running clock in the second half. But rules alone don't fix the problem. The real issue is coaching philosophy and character.

Before my kids even reached high school, I made it a priority to research every coach, every program, every school environment. And I'm urging you to do the same.

Here's the truth: Not all coaching certifications are created equal.

• Public schools require certified teachers who've met state standards

• Private schools and charter schools? It's hit or miss. Some have rigorous requirements; others don't

• Youth sports leagues often have minimal coaching requirements

Your Action Plan: Researching Coaches and Programs

Don't wait until your child is miserable or developing bad habits. Do your homework upfront. Here's how:

Ask Around

Talk to other parents, players who've been in the program, and even opposing coaches. The youth sports community is smaller than you think, and word travels about coaches who prioritize winning over development—or worse, who humiliate players.

Watch Games (Before Your Child Commits)

Attend games as an observer. Watch how the coach:

• Interacts with players during timeouts

• Responds to mistakes

• Handles winning AND losing

• Treats officials

• Manages playing time

Check the School's Academic Standards

A good athletic program is part of a strong overall school environment. Research:

• Teacher certifications and qualifications

• Academic performance ratings

• School culture and values

• Support services for student-athletes

Review the Coach's Track Record

Look beyond wins and losses:

• How many players continue in the sport after playing for this coach?

• Do former players speak positively about their experience?

• What's the team's graduation rate?

• Are there any disciplinary issues or complaints on record?

  

The Coach Vetting Checklist

Print this out and use it when evaluating any coach or athletic program for your child:

Philosophy & Values

• Coach emphasizes character development alongside skill development

• Sportsmanship is clearly prioritized in team culture

• Coach demonstrates respect for officials, opponents, and parents

• Communication style is constructive, not demeaning

Program Structure

• Clear policies on playing time and player development

• Age-appropriate training methods and expectations

• Reasonable practice schedules that allow for academic success

• Emphasis on injury prevention and player safety

Credentials & Experience

• Appropriate coaching certifications for the level

• CPR and first aid certified

• Background check completed

• References from other parents and players available

Red Flags to Watch For

• Coach who berates players publicly

• Winning-at-all-costs mentality (like pressing when up by 100!)

• Poor communication with parents

• High player turnover or frequent transfers

• Complaints about favoritism or unfair treatment

Questions to Ask the Coach Directly

• What's your coaching philosophy?

• How do you handle mistakes and losses?

• How do you communicate with parents?

• What are your expectations for player commitment?

• How do you define success for your program?

The Bottom Line: Mercy and Sportsmanship Matter

That 108-8 game taught me something crucial: The scoreboard doesn't tell you everything about a coach's character, but HOW they get those numbers tells you everything.

A great coach:

• Teaches life lessons through sports

• Knows when to ease up and show mercy

• Builds confidence rather than destroying it

• Understands that developing young people is more important than padding their win record

Your child will remember their high school and college athletic experience for the rest of their lives. Make sure those memories include a coach who taught them not just how to play the game, but how to be a good person.

Do your research. Ask the hard questions. Trust your instincts. And remember—it's okay to walk away from a program that doesn't align with your family's values.

Because at the end of the day, sports should build our kids up, not break them down.